Kids, Social Media, and FOMO: A Game of Chutes and Ladders for Parents

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There’s an acronym for parents to be familiar with, and it’s FOMO. As if LMK, LOL, SMH and ICYMI weren’t brainteasers to begin with.

If you’ve ever had a crush and dropped that person a line, then wondered if they got your message, worried they wouldn’t call you back or waited for what seemed like an eternity (15 minutes) before you heard back, then you have a sense of the phenomenon that’s happening among many kids who use social media. Only it’s magnified and isn’t about crushes. It has many tangents related to self confidence, social acceptance, body image and more. At an impressionable time, mind you, in a mind that’s going through changing emotions and rapid maturation.

It’s called Fear Of Missing Out.

We used to live our life in the moment and share it when we caught up with our family and friends. Now, we share it as it happens on SnapChat, YouTube, WeChat, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. The living, then sharing sequence is starting to shift as people mull over the perfect post to get likes, the right words for an update to attract comments, and instead of living in the moment, we are creating moments to live -- for social media.

A dad of a 7th grader recently described it perfectly when he was talking about his experiences as a parent in a more digital world.

“As I watch my daughter use digital media, it reminds me of the old days with IM and ICQ. We could message someone or many people at once and anxiously await their response. Today, I watch in amazement as it really is the same feeling for our kids when they use social media, but through a different medium with more myopic expectations.”

Seems harmless, right? But if you’re a parent who has ever witnessed the signs or had chats with your kids about things you never imagined they would worry about, then you’re wiser to know better.

The Australian Psychological Society’s annual Stress and Wellbeing Survey reports that social media usage is tied to depression and anxiety in teens. That’s not to panic you or set off red alert signals in parents, but knowledge is power, which is valuable in being an informed parent. It’s a reality check to understand that times are different now than when we were kids - even for those of us who grew up with the Internet, Instant Messenger and email. So it’s important that amidst our busy lives we stay tuned in to what our kids say and interpret what may be between the lines of their moods, their days in the dumps or the times on cloud nine.

The report states that FOMO is more common among heavy users of social media, and that one in two of the teenagers ages 13-17 included in the study said they felt the fear of missing out on their friends' inside jokes and events, as well as the chance to show on social media that they're having fun. Social media usage also makes teens feel like their experiences aren’t as great as their friends, and that they’re missing out on something when they see a post they weren’t a part of -- even if they were quite happy doing whatever they were doing when it took place.

The fear of missing out is something that every parent with a child who uses social media should know about and be ready to help their teen through.

That dad in Michigan who’s learning as he goes as a digital parent said that from his perspective, the mind of kids today goes something like this:

1. I like my smile! → I’ll take a selfie.
2. This is a good one! → I’ll post it! (WeChat, ShapChat, FB, Instagram...))
3. Did anyone like it? → How many likes did I get?
4. Is anyone commenting? → What are they saying?
5. I just checked 15 seconds ago. I guess I’ll wait 5 more seconds before I check again.
6. If I tag them, will they tag me back?
7. Should I ask for a tag?
8. Did one of my friends/followers have a friend who saw it?
9. Did that friend of a friend ask to follow me?
10. How many followers do I have?
11. How many likes do I have?
12. How many people tagged me today?
13. Oh no!!! No one has tagged, liked, shared a photo or commented about me in a while…*sad face emoji*
14. Where is everyone?
15. I guess I'll have to go back to step one to make sure they don't forget about me...

Sound familiar!? The activity is amazing and captivating. As a parent, it makes you think of the good and the bad your child might be experiencing. It might even be a bit relatable to some of your experiences on social media, too.

Confidence and self-esteem are critical to nurture in our kids, but has become more complicated and much like a game of Chutes and Ladders for parents as our kids grow up in a digital world with more influences, less face to face communication, and more opportunity for self discovery. It gives us days as parents we feel like we’ve advanced, and days we’ve unexpectedly slid backwards as we try to teach our children values and how to filter what should matter and what shouldn’t.

“Confidence and self-esteem are critical to nurture in our kids, but has become more complicated and much like a game of Chutes and Ladders for parents as our kids grow up in a digital world with more influences, less face to face communication, and more opportunity for self discovery.”

We may not understand it all, the emotion, the reaction or the why. We might even have a #WhatJustHappened moment. But FOMO is real, and our role as listening and observant parents becomes that much more important for the teenagers in our lives. We can help lessen or eliminate their FOMO and be more able as parents to recognize the source of any changes in attitude, behavior or moods by trying these things:

• Leading by example and empowering our teenagers and pre-teens to be comfortable having conversations about what’s going on in their day and how they feel
• Managing how much a time teenagers spend looking at a screen and the time of day they’re on social media
• Keeping a pulse on their activity with apps like DijiWise or sharing login and password information for periodic check-ins on social media activity.

The fun of social media has created new pressures teenagers often put on themselves. They’re talking to themselves as much in their minds as they are tapping on their screens. Our new responsibility as parents is to help our kids see that social media isn’t a game or a popularity contest, and that their true identity -- who they are -- outweighs their perceived digital identity created by likes, favorites and followers. The journey from start to finish as a digital parent isn’t easy, but just remember each day is your move, and if you or your teen land on a chute, grab the spinner and spin again.

New Year’s Resolution Series: What Kind of Digital Parent Do You Want To Be?

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by Stacy Kania

With the start of a new year, many people take the time to reflect, make changes and set goals for themselves. For parents, it may mean examining how you approach being a “digital parent,” or parenting in the digital age.

When it comes to kids and technology, are you hands-on, hands-off, or somewhere in between? What is your recipe for success?

In the article “Parents: Reject Technology Shaming,” published in The Atlantic, author Alexandra Samuel references three types of digital parenting styles identified through survey data collected from 10,000 parents in North America.

Digital Enablers - Parents who give their kids carte blanche in terms of tech consumption. They give their kids complete freedom with technology.

Digital Limiters - Parents who impose strict boundaries on tech consumption and always have their hand near the off switch.

Digital Mentors - Parents who take an active role in guiding their child through the world of technology. They realize that tech isn’t going away, and if they don’t provide the necessary navigation, they aren’t preparing their child for the future.

Samuel’s perspective is that the recipe for success is to be a Digital Mentor to your children.

“This is an approach to digital-age parenting that can actually sustain a family long-term, from the time baby first lays her hands on a touchscreen all the way until she heads off for college.”

— Alexandra Samuel

How can we as parents, who didn’t grow up with this magnitude of technology, MENTOR our kids?

Keep the conversations….conversational

In a recent discussion with my own teen, we had a frank talk about sexting and why kids do it -  even though parents, teachers and even the authorities warn them about the long-term repercussions and dangers. His response was “because they don’t care.” This led to a conversation together about morals and values. The overall consensus was that teens, in general, l hear the same “don’t” message over and over again, to the point that they tune it right out. It reminded me of the Peanut’s gang teacher “lecturing” in the classroom and all we heard was “wah, wah, wah, waah, waaah.”

A good conversation is the right combination of allowing each person to speak, and more importantly, for the non-speakers to listen.  

From the discussion together with my son, I learned a lot about what is going on in my child’s world just by taking the time to hear what he had to say. I didn’t lecture or judge, I just listened. What that said to my son was, “I think what you have to say is important,” and “You can trust me.”
 

Demonstrate empathy

When you’re having a conversation with your teen, don’t hesitate to ask questions. “How does this make you feel?” or “Why do you think people don’t care about sharing these types of photos?” By asking simple questions like these, it conjures up an emotional reaction that can lead to a meaningful discussion and help you as a parent - and digital parent - to better understand what teens face today.
 

Be “In The Know”

Research technology on your own to familiarize yourself with the digital landscape for teens. Ask your child questions about what apps are hot, what games are popular, and where they spend their time online. Take a vested interest in what they do, how they experience, what they feel, and what they think.  

Bookmark your favorite sites for up-to-date references on the latest digital trends. Sites such as commonsensemedia.org and fosi.org are great resources and are organized by age and category so they are extremely user friendly.
 

Don’t just be a spectator - Get into the game

Engage with your child using technology. Don’t ignore it; ask how it works. Learning about the world of Minecraft, for example, brought me back to feeling the curiosity of a child. Understanding the excitement and element of surprise of getting a new Snapchat reminds me of receiving a note passed in class. Knowing a bit more about what our children enjoy spending hours doing allows us to be a part of their technology world instead of sitting on the sidelines. Plus, knowing that we’re actively observing their online behavior may motivate them to make better choices.

“We can’t prepare our kids for the world they will inhabit as adults by dragging them back to the world we lived in as kids. It’s not our job as parents to put away the phones. It’s our job to take out the phones, and teach our kids how to use them.”

— The Atlantic, “Parents: Reject Technology Shame”

Finding the right concoction of conversation, understanding, engaging, and most importantly, listening will help each of us find our own recipe to success in the world of digital parenting.

New Year’s Resolution Series: Having “The Talk” With Your Child About Digital Responsibility

Have you had “the talk” with your child? Not the “birds and the bees” talk...the OTHER talk. In today’s world, there is another looming (and ongoing) conversation that needs to be had with our children about Internet safety and digital responsibility.

As you are making your list of resolutions for 2016, if you are a parent and have not had a discussion with your child about what to do and what NOT to do when they are online, set this task at the top of your resolution list.

We realize that for some, it’s not an easy conversation to start. As parents, we are raising the first all digital generation. While our children don’t remember what life was like before the Internet, Wi-Fi and hoverboards, we do.

Whether your child has received their first personal device with Internet access this holiday season or he or she already uses one, think about this fact:

They have access to the entire world in the palm of their hands.

Before the next time their fingers touch the keypads, here are some tips on how to get the conversation started and actions you can take to keep your kids safe online.

Set up and review the device together

The first step to talking about digital responsibility is setting up the device, learning how it works, and how to keep it safe and secure.

• Security and privacy settings - Walk through each of these areas in the device settings and determine what your child will have access to. Many devices have parental controls so you have the authority to set location services, access to install or purchase apps, or even restrict access to certain websites and age appropriate content.
• Call for help - Device manufacturers have 800 #’s and websites available to help you make the device safe. Many also have online tutorials and videos to simplify the experience.
• Recheck often - Set time aside each month to revisit settings, as they change on devices, apps and social networks frequently.
• TIPS - The Family Online Safety Institute (FOSI) has a great checklist. 

Set boundaries and expectations

• Time limits - How often will your child be using the device and for how long? Setting time limits and usage time frames is a good place to start. On many devices, this can be set in the parental control area of the device settings.  So if you want your child to only use their iPod Touch for up to 2 hours a day between the hours of 3-6pm, that can be done!
• Where they can go online? - Talk to your child about what websites they will be accessing and how they will be using them. Make that a part of your daily conversation. “What are your favorite websites to visit?" "What do you find to be interesting about that site?” These some great conversation starters.
• Who will they be connecting with? - Set your expectations on who they can connect with, and have your child revisit their “friend” list often. Even better, do this together.
• What apps will they be using? - Explore the mobile app marketplace with your child and determine whether apps he or she is interested in are age appropriate or not.
• Have access to all of their account usernames and passwords - If you get resistance from your child on this topic, explain that having access to the Internet is a privilege and it’s your job as a parent to keep them safe. Having access to their accounts is part of the deal (see contract reco below).
• Establish a contract - Having a digital media contract with your child and putting the rules in writing can be helpful. Here are a few samples for your family to use, categorized by age. 

Stay connected

Talk to other parents and their teachers - Using your existing real-life social network can be helpful when raising a child in today’s world. Getting examples and guidance from our own peers is important. We recently published an article on how, as parents, we can strengthen our network to make digital parenting easier.

Stay Informed

There are many great resources online for parents to stay updated about social media and technology. A few of our favorites are:

Family Online Safety Institute: www.fosi.org

National Cyber Security Alliance: www.staysafeonline.org

Empower your child with a plan

Just as in real life, your child may face situations online like bullying, contact from strangers, hurtful words, or event feeling excluded or left out. Have a game plan on how to handle the situation, such as reporting it to a parent/trusted adult, or blocking or deleting the offender. Agree together on what to do if a situation gets out of control. This article from US News has some great resources for teens to use if they are faced with cyberbullying. 

Share real life examples

Use the current news and events as resources for examples of good and bad online behavior. Incorporate these situations into your conversations and discuss why they are good or how a bad situation can be handled.

Catch them doing something good

When you see your child doing something positive online, be sure to praise them for it!

Schedule Downtime

Setting time aside to unplug is important for everyone, especially families. Here’s a recent DijiWise article with some great ideas for unplugged family time. 

Monitor- Get the DijiWise App!

Would you allow your toddler to venture out alone at the local park? Of course not! We realized the importance of monitoring our children while they are on the “Internet playground," so we created the DijiWise app. Here’s our story.

The last thing kids want is to be lectured, so by kicking off the new year by keeping the conversations open and ongoing, you can stay connected with your children as they evolve to be responsible digital citizens.  

We would love to hear from you about your experience raising your children in the digital age. Tweet to us @DijiWise.

Here are some DijiWise Moments parents have shared about using the DijiWise app. Click on the link to learn more and to share your DijiWise Moments with us!

Gifting Tech: Setting Your Teen Up For Success

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Giving the gift of tech for the holidays? Smartphones, tablets and connected gaming devices are popular gifts to give for Christmas and Hanukkah, not to mention a favorite to receive among teenagers and pre-teens. With such gifts that connect our kids around the clock to the digital world comes a whole new world of expression and experiences — and the opportunity for parents to have a conversation together with children about digital responsibility.

To keep that excitement and joy going months after they unwrapped their present, here are some real-world stories moms and dads shared with us to help you when you have “the talk.”

“I have a 12-year-old with both a cellphone and an iPad mini, and both are used for school. We put down the ground rules before we got each device, and have many rules in place. He doesn’t like to talk on the phone, and uses messaging more often. The first 6 months, all of his messages also went to my iPad. He isn’t allowed to delete any messages, and also knows that at anytime I can ask him for his phone and iPad over to view his messages. We don’t allow him to use his tablet or phone to view YouTube on the bus, and all devices go off at 9pm at and are plugged in for the night. We have the understanding that he’ll lose both if any of his activity is deemed inappropriate.”

“When we got our daughter a cell phone, we put parental restrictions on the device. She also knows that we monitor her use of the phone, both her contacts and texting. She really does great with it.”

“I didn’t see a reason for my children to have cell phones before high school, so they received them as a gift for their 8th grade graduation and we talked ahead of time about the fact that they would be receiving them.”

“Giving our kids a phone gave us peace of mind about their safety and being able to get in touch with them, and it also excited them and made them feel more responsible. We chatted with them about the financial aspect of it so that they knew it cost money each month, and that it is a privilege to have. In the beginning we had the passwords to access their device but we don’t access it in private, instead we say, “hey, show me this.” I didn’t want their phone or tablet to be a sticky subject for us constantly, and stressed that if it did, they would be taken away. So to prevent it, we keep an eye on the apps they're using and sites they’re visiting, and try to just talk to them about how their day is everyday. They use their phones and iPads for a lot of things and so far, so good.”

“My biggest concern when adding new tech to our home is the amount of time spent on it. We make sure there is a balance between tech and non-tech activities available to our kids and help them self-regulate so we don’t have to police them. Too much time in front of a screen can turn anyone’s brain to mush. Simple things like getting outside for fresh air, reading a good book, or playing a board game can give anyone an invigorating boost.”

Other ways parents keep tech gifts friendly at home include having the child sign a digital contract agreeing to rules and responsibilities, or limiting how long or when a child can use the device. There are also apps that help parents enable parental restrictions or monitor their kids’ activities, such as DijiWise, which makes monitoring social media activity on social networks such as Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, easy for parents.

Giving smartphones and tablets as presents is exciting for both the giver and the receiver. Encouraging digital responsibility at an early age will keep the joy of your gift going for many months and years to come.

Fun & Easy Tech Gifts For All Ages

Whether it’s basic or hi-tech, technology is just plain cool. It makes our everyday lives easier and adds new dimensions to fun and entertainment. Hi-tech doesn’t mean impossible to figure out, either, which makes tech a great gift for nearly anyone.

Here are some of our favorite tech gifts for home, for play, and for the kitchen, to help you complete your holiday shopping and give the gift of unexpected, awesome new experiences.

GoPro

Whether it’s the GoPro Hero+ or another GoPro model, both kids and adults will quickly become addicted to the different view of the world you get with this mountable camera you can wear. Its compact size, video quality, LCD screen and features won’t let you down, especially the waterproof models. From a simpler model to the Pro versions, there’s a GoPro suited for everyone on your list.

BB-8 Droid by Sphere

May the force be with you this holiday season with the Star Wars-inspired, app-enabled BB-8 Droid. BB-8 is a toy, but one that’s pretty fun for all ages. This robot is controlled by your smartphone or tablet, and has an “adaptive personality” that changes the more you use it. For that innovation and feature alone, it’s a gift worth giving and having roam the floors of your house.

Nest

Nest is a company that makes programmable, important products for your home. Currently their line includes thermostats, smoke detectors, and cameras. Imagine having a futuristic "smart home" today. Nest, which was quickly bought by Google, makes having a smart home affordable, and their innovation and product line will only grow from here.

Smoking Gun Handheld Food Smoker

The Smoking Gun is a compact smoker for your kitchen that infuses a smoky flavor into your food, opening the possibilities beyond meat to everyone. This could be big for BBQ fans who want their fix without having to wait for the grill or smoker to heat up. Hickory? Apple? We haven’t tested this yet, but the idea of it is making us hungry enough to give it a try.

Olloclip 4-in-1 Lens for iPhone 6

Camera quality by smartphone manufacturers is debatable and subjective, but one thing’s for sure - it’s easier than ever before to capture professional-quality photos with our phones. The Olloclip 4-in-1 lens is lightweight, stable, and enhances the field of view of the iPhone camera which is a game changer when taking selfies, scenic and group shots. Teenagers will especially like this because its lenses are easy to change out, it integrates well with other apps, and works with both the front-facing and rear-facing cameras on the iPhone 6 series.

Polaroid Pic-300 Instant Film Camera

Polaroid has dusted off its cameras and is en vogue among kids, teens, college students and adults with its Polaroid Pic-300 camera. The Pic-300 gives you instant fun with its instant photographs. You can now pass these unforgettable photos from your childhood down to our kids, complete with plain or decorative borders. (Discover more options with Fujifilm’s Instax Mini Film, which is compatible with the Pic-300.) Polaroid’s camera also comes in fun colors. You pay a price for immediate and fun, however. The good news is it doesn’t drain batteries quickly, but the film for the Pic-300 is not cheap. Photo paper equates to about $2 per photo on average, however you can find a good price break when you buy bulk-packs like these on Amazon.