New Year’s Resolution Series: What Kind of Digital Parent Do You Want To Be?

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by Stacy Kania

With the start of a new year, many people take the time to reflect, make changes and set goals for themselves. For parents, it may mean examining how you approach being a “digital parent,” or parenting in the digital age.

When it comes to kids and technology, are you hands-on, hands-off, or somewhere in between? What is your recipe for success?

In the article “Parents: Reject Technology Shaming,” published in The Atlantic, author Alexandra Samuel references three types of digital parenting styles identified through survey data collected from 10,000 parents in North America.

Digital Enablers - Parents who give their kids carte blanche in terms of tech consumption. They give their kids complete freedom with technology.

Digital Limiters - Parents who impose strict boundaries on tech consumption and always have their hand near the off switch.

Digital Mentors - Parents who take an active role in guiding their child through the world of technology. They realize that tech isn’t going away, and if they don’t provide the necessary navigation, they aren’t preparing their child for the future.

Samuel’s perspective is that the recipe for success is to be a Digital Mentor to your children.

“This is an approach to digital-age parenting that can actually sustain a family long-term, from the time baby first lays her hands on a touchscreen all the way until she heads off for college.”

— Alexandra Samuel

How can we as parents, who didn’t grow up with this magnitude of technology, MENTOR our kids?

Keep the conversations….conversational

In a recent discussion with my own teen, we had a frank talk about sexting and why kids do it -  even though parents, teachers and even the authorities warn them about the long-term repercussions and dangers. His response was “because they don’t care.” This led to a conversation together about morals and values. The overall consensus was that teens, in general, l hear the same “don’t” message over and over again, to the point that they tune it right out. It reminded me of the Peanut’s gang teacher “lecturing” in the classroom and all we heard was “wah, wah, wah, waah, waaah.”

A good conversation is the right combination of allowing each person to speak, and more importantly, for the non-speakers to listen.  

From the discussion together with my son, I learned a lot about what is going on in my child’s world just by taking the time to hear what he had to say. I didn’t lecture or judge, I just listened. What that said to my son was, “I think what you have to say is important,” and “You can trust me.”
 

Demonstrate empathy

When you’re having a conversation with your teen, don’t hesitate to ask questions. “How does this make you feel?” or “Why do you think people don’t care about sharing these types of photos?” By asking simple questions like these, it conjures up an emotional reaction that can lead to a meaningful discussion and help you as a parent - and digital parent - to better understand what teens face today.
 

Be “In The Know”

Research technology on your own to familiarize yourself with the digital landscape for teens. Ask your child questions about what apps are hot, what games are popular, and where they spend their time online. Take a vested interest in what they do, how they experience, what they feel, and what they think.  

Bookmark your favorite sites for up-to-date references on the latest digital trends. Sites such as commonsensemedia.org and fosi.org are great resources and are organized by age and category so they are extremely user friendly.
 

Don’t just be a spectator - Get into the game

Engage with your child using technology. Don’t ignore it; ask how it works. Learning about the world of Minecraft, for example, brought me back to feeling the curiosity of a child. Understanding the excitement and element of surprise of getting a new Snapchat reminds me of receiving a note passed in class. Knowing a bit more about what our children enjoy spending hours doing allows us to be a part of their technology world instead of sitting on the sidelines. Plus, knowing that we’re actively observing their online behavior may motivate them to make better choices.

“We can’t prepare our kids for the world they will inhabit as adults by dragging them back to the world we lived in as kids. It’s not our job as parents to put away the phones. It’s our job to take out the phones, and teach our kids how to use them.”

— The Atlantic, “Parents: Reject Technology Shame”

Finding the right concoction of conversation, understanding, engaging, and most importantly, listening will help each of us find our own recipe to success in the world of digital parenting.

Gifting Tech: Setting Your Teen Up For Success

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Giving the gift of tech for the holidays? Smartphones, tablets and connected gaming devices are popular gifts to give for Christmas and Hanukkah, not to mention a favorite to receive among teenagers and pre-teens. With such gifts that connect our kids around the clock to the digital world comes a whole new world of expression and experiences — and the opportunity for parents to have a conversation together with children about digital responsibility.

To keep that excitement and joy going months after they unwrapped their present, here are some real-world stories moms and dads shared with us to help you when you have “the talk.”

“I have a 12-year-old with both a cellphone and an iPad mini, and both are used for school. We put down the ground rules before we got each device, and have many rules in place. He doesn’t like to talk on the phone, and uses messaging more often. The first 6 months, all of his messages also went to my iPad. He isn’t allowed to delete any messages, and also knows that at anytime I can ask him for his phone and iPad over to view his messages. We don’t allow him to use his tablet or phone to view YouTube on the bus, and all devices go off at 9pm at and are plugged in for the night. We have the understanding that he’ll lose both if any of his activity is deemed inappropriate.”

“When we got our daughter a cell phone, we put parental restrictions on the device. She also knows that we monitor her use of the phone, both her contacts and texting. She really does great with it.”

“I didn’t see a reason for my children to have cell phones before high school, so they received them as a gift for their 8th grade graduation and we talked ahead of time about the fact that they would be receiving them.”

“Giving our kids a phone gave us peace of mind about their safety and being able to get in touch with them, and it also excited them and made them feel more responsible. We chatted with them about the financial aspect of it so that they knew it cost money each month, and that it is a privilege to have. In the beginning we had the passwords to access their device but we don’t access it in private, instead we say, “hey, show me this.” I didn’t want their phone or tablet to be a sticky subject for us constantly, and stressed that if it did, they would be taken away. So to prevent it, we keep an eye on the apps they're using and sites they’re visiting, and try to just talk to them about how their day is everyday. They use their phones and iPads for a lot of things and so far, so good.”

“My biggest concern when adding new tech to our home is the amount of time spent on it. We make sure there is a balance between tech and non-tech activities available to our kids and help them self-regulate so we don’t have to police them. Too much time in front of a screen can turn anyone’s brain to mush. Simple things like getting outside for fresh air, reading a good book, or playing a board game can give anyone an invigorating boost.”

Other ways parents keep tech gifts friendly at home include having the child sign a digital contract agreeing to rules and responsibilities, or limiting how long or when a child can use the device. There are also apps that help parents enable parental restrictions or monitor their kids’ activities, such as DijiWise, which makes monitoring social media activity on social networks such as Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, easy for parents.

Giving smartphones and tablets as presents is exciting for both the giver and the receiver. Encouraging digital responsibility at an early age will keep the joy of your gift going for many months and years to come.

Enjoy the Holidays Unplugged: Fun Activities with Family and Friends

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With the holiday season in full swing, it’s easy to get overwhelmed by the hustle and bustle of crowded shopping malls, long lines, online shopping, gift wrapping, holiday parties, and scrolling through fun updates on friends’ feeds. Don’t forget to take time as the year wraps up to step back with your family and friends and spend some memorable moments together. Here are some ideas from Team DijiWise and our families for unplugging from tech and spending quality time together.

From Stacy, DijiWise Development

Visit a senior care center

“My daughter’s favorite memories of spending time together unplugged are our annual visits to local senior care facilities. Over the last several years we have gone to various locations with different groups of friends and families. Armed with care packages, poinsettias, and hearts filled with giving spirit, we sing carols and visit with the residents. The smiles and gratitude that we receive are so rewarding. This is a great way to give back to your local community and bring the holiday spirit to those who need it.”  To arrange, give your local senior center a call, ask for their wish list and schedule the best time to visit.

Adopt a family

In every community, there are families that have fallen on hard times or are having difficulties making ends meet.  What better way to unplug and give back than to adopt a family in need. “One year, we contacted a local church that had a list of several families that could use some holiday spirit. The family that we chose had a very simple wish list of winter gear to keep them warm and just a few toys for each child to make their season bright. Seeing the faces and meeting the children that received our package was a great memory for our family.” Contact your local church or shelter today to see how you can help.

From Cindy, DijiWise PR

Have a hot chocolate party

Spend an afternoon as a family creating and trying different hot chocolate flavors. “It’s a little out of the ordinary, but is a fun and tasty thing to do. My kids enjoy it and it’s especially fun to do with a few relatives or friends.” It’s a great theme for hosting a small gathering, too. Have everyone bring a different type of hot chocolate - purchased or “invented” - for sharing.

Discover a local event or festival

Check calendars near where you live for festive events or displays you go can go to together that only happen this time of year. “We try to find something new each year, and even look beyond our city but within reasonable driving distance. It breaks up our daily routine, and by doing this, we’ve even found a historical Christmas festival with Santas from around the world that we now look forward to each year.

Get together one-on-one or as a small group

Sprinkle small meetups throughout the holidays and enjoy special quality time, attention, conversations and fun you might not get when you're all together as a big group. “I come from a large family and this is something my brother started doing this time of year with family and friends. The time together with just our families was so enjoyable and special, that I’ve followed suit and make an effort now to have one-on-one time with people during the holidays.” It can be an afternoon date alone with your child, the two of you getting together with an uncle or cousins you don't see often, or inviting your child’s friend to come along. Grab a bite to eat, relax at home together or check out a holiday display. These small get togethers will fill your heart and become one of your favorite traditions to this time of year.

From Diana, DijiWise Marketing

Host a winter potluck

Have a fun, low-stress potluck party where everyone brings a dish to share. “I love getting together with friends and trying our different homemade dishes. A lot of family recipes get made, from potstickers to double chocolate cookies, so it’s really neat learning about and getting a taste of everyone’s backgrounds.” Have the kids help you with the cooking and they’ll feel accomplished when everyone’s raving about the dish.   

Take a walk and enjoy the holiday cheer

Bundle up and head outside to enjoy the fresh air and holiday lights! From your neighborhood to the town center, holiday decorations are popping up so go ahead and take a family stroll at dusk. “I’m an outdoorsy person, so when the cold weather rolls in, I try not to forget that there’s a whole world outside of my window! Walking around the neighborhood in the winter is such a treat with lights twinkling on rooftops and inside homes. It’s great quality time, either by myself or with family, and I always feel rejuvenated.”

Other ideas for special time with family and friends during the holidays:

Painting class

Spend family time learning a new skill. This is a popular new trend and fun to do together, regardless of your talents! Many local painting studios have special sessions during the holiday season with families in mind. Classes are designed for novice painters and taught in a simple step-by-step manner so that everyone can become an artist and create some beautiful work. Even better, give your finished art as a gift, contribute it to a local business or and deliver it to a local senior center to brighten up their common area and resident’s rooms.

Local theater

Check out your community newspaper for musicals, plays and family concerts in the area, especially if this isn't something you already do together. Many groups do free shows during the holidays which makes this an affordable activity for all to enjoy.

It’s not about the presents or the parties (or capturing every moment with a selfie). It’s about the season of giving and making memories with your family that will last a lifetime.

Happy Holiday’s from our family to yours.

Strengthening Your Network To Make Digital Parenting Easier: 6 Must Have Groups

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If you’re a parent with a pre-teen or teenager using social media, one thing is a must: you have to be social. In the best interest of our children, it’s not optional, it’s an evolved parenting requirement. This doesn’t mean that as parents we must be active on social media, but active and involved with the people and the touch points in your teenager’s life.

In the age of digital parenting, your network matters when your kids are on social networks. Similar to your personal or professional life, who you connect with regularly from a parenting perspective will help in many ways. Whether it’s being aware and comfortable with who your teen is connected to online, being in the know about happenings in and around school, or just having that gut feeling that something’s amiss, having a strong network will help you stay informed and respond in ways that benefit and support your child as he or she becomes more independent.

Here are six must have groups parents should have in their real-life social network:

Your Child’s Friends

This is the most important group of people to have in your network as a parent. Think back to when you were a child and the parents who were active at school, present at parties or welcoming you in their home. Being visible, knowing your child’s friends’ names and talking to them about interests and things going on in their lives not only creates a welcoming, nurturing environment, but it helps you keep a pulse on who your child is hanging out with and the influences in their lives. It also helps establish respect and accountability when they’re in your home or out with your child. And should you ever need to address a situation, be there for one of their friends or come together as a group in unity, these relationships will be golden - not just in their teenage years, but for many years to come. (Imagine the adult years ahead when those friends are suddenly ‘friending’ you on social media!)
 

Parents Of Your Child’s Friends

There’s no better second set of eyes and ears that can protect the well-being and happiness of your children than the parents of their friends. Introducing yourselves to other parents helps you get an understanding of the environments your child is in when they’re not at home, and provides other parents with a level of comfort and trust when their child is with you or your son or daughter. There are also situations or things you may not know about that other parents can pick up on when they’re talking to their teenager, shuttling them around in the car or overhearing them when they’re all together as a group. This is where having parents in your network has its greatest value.

And as for ourselves, let’s face it - in our adulthood, friendships form at different rates and are sometimes accelerated by having things in common such as our children’s activities and sports. We may not be destined to be friends with everyone, nor have the time; however, even if you simply remain acquaintances, knowing the adults in your teenagers friends’ lives and proactively keeping in touch with them time to time will give you peace of mind or help you know when you need to step in.
 

Teachers, Coaches, Principals and Counselors

A mother recently shared a story with her father about how grateful she was for her first grader’s teacher and how the teacher addressed a need and creatively empowered her daughter. Being a dad for more than 40 years, he had this to say: “Being visible at school, knowing the staff, and them knowing you, really has its benefits in how your child does at school.” And he’s right.

Most educators in the middle school and high school settings are tuned in to things going on at school and among students. Many of them will also have a pulse on the social perspective of technologies and social media students, in general, are using. When a coach, teacher or other faculty know your child and see you present, they have the sense of an involved parent, and there’s a stronger personal connection that can be helpful when your child’s in a sea of 30 to 500 other students. When your network is strong with relationships at your child’s school - even if they’re simply on a name and face-recognition basis, you’ll find yourself with an expanded support system. This group will be filled with adults who are aware and can identify and support your child’s high points, or notice a change that suggests something isn’t right, such as online bullying, peer pressure or the rumor mill. Collectively, this group will have a powerful impact on opening new doors, having performance conversations, or sometimes, addressing consequences.
 

Activity Leaders and Volunteer Coordinators

Similar to faculty at your child’s school, the people in charge of leading your child’s youth group, volunteer experiences, robotics team or any organized activity are important to have in your network. This group differentiates itself in that often times these individuals span vastly in experience and also age range - from your child’s peer set to adult. The individual might be volunteer or paid employee, and different than school staff, they’re in that role with the sole purpose of guiding and overseeing whatever that subject matter or experience is. By keeping in touch with these leaders, you’ll have a sense of their involvement, personality and leadership style. You’ll be able to gauge how present and involved you’ll have to be, and can drum up conversations about peer-to-peer interactions, how things went on retreats, group trips, practices, and other events. This will help you keep a pulse on things that might be shared on social media, who your child is interacting with, and things that could positively or negatively be impacting your child.
 

Your Friends & Family

This is probably the closest network to you and the best one to use to your advantage. Sometime’s we can be so close to a situation that we may not realize something happening in front of us. Chances are you have friends or family that are also experiencing the milestones you are or who have handled relatable situations you can learn from and chat about together. Let’s not forget, too, that this group of people can be a walking library of information for you, with knowledge or opinions about trends, apps or social networks your teenager might be using. There’s great appreciation for the aunt who sees their nephew post something on social media and either pings him and pats him on the back or suggests he heed some caution, or the cousin who surprises relatives by accidentally making it known at a family gathering that another cousin has an account on the same app or social network that she uses. These are real-life moments and a network that can make parenting easier in meaningful, simple ways.
 

Your Child’s Place of Work

This group might often be overlooked, but if your child has a summer job, babysits, cuts grass or is working during the school year, then this is an important group to have in your parenting network. Does this mean you have to be friends with your teenager’s boss? No. Should you be familiar with where he or she is working, and possibly even visible once in awhile? It can’t hurt. (A restaurant, theater or shops are great examples.) Interactions at work can turn into new contacts on chat apps and social media that parents should be aware of. Whether it’s an employer or people in your community that your child does tasks for, being tuned in to this environment has its benefits. You’ll have a sense of coworkers and strangers he or she has exposure to, and a supervisor might appreciate knowing their reliable employee is supported by engaged parents. You’ll also be able to identify red flags, and have more understanding and connected conversations with your child.

If there’s one thing we learn as parents, especially when it comes to online safety and keeping an eye out for online bullying, inappropriate conversations or peer pressure: we can do it all alone, or accept the help of an army.

How to Let Your Kids Make Mistakes and Learn

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As your children grow, how you parent and who you are as a parent is likely to evolve. Especially as they become teenagers. The societal debate over the right balance of parenting - helicopter parenting or free-range parenting — ultimately is a personal decision when it comes to what’s right for your parenting style, your family, and in some cases, each individual child.

Regardless of which end of the spectrum you fall on, there’s one thing all parents have in common: our children are going to make mistakes. With the best interest of our hearts, it is tempting to shield our kids from any wrongdoing, but let’s face it — it’s going to happen — and sometimes, it’s okay. At any age, and especially as pre-teen and teenagers, by allowing them to make decisions and have experiences good or bad, kids understand consequences and learn how to be accountable, adapt, and move forward from a situation.

The result is hopefully stronger confidence — and better decision making in the future.

Whether it’s in your teenager’s physical daily life or with their online activity, here’s how to let your children make mistakes - and learn.

Use your child’s mistake as a teaching moment. When it comes to social media, it’s inevitable that your teen/preteen will make a mistake. Maybe it’s saying the wrong thing or posting the wrong photo. Here’s where a big teaching moment comes in. Using behavior you want them to exhibit toward others as they mature, talk about what was said or done, and learn from it together. Don’t hesitate to punish, if necessary, so they understand there are sometimes consequences to their actions. (A teen without their phone will learn very quickly.)

Use these moments to teach your child the art of the apology. When a child makes a mistake, hurts someone’s feelings or acts rudely, whether it’s intentional or not, they not only need to stop the behavior, they need to understand what it is like to be remorseful, and apologize. The kid in trouble may not think something is a big deal, fully understand what their action represents, or the impact it has on another person. Encouraging your teenager to think about their actions and apologize to anyone impacted, will teach them respect - and earn them respect.

One parent’s example is of her teenager’s first exposure to social media and Instagram. A friend posted a picture with all of their buddies hanging out at someone’s house, only her son was not invited. His knee-jerk reaction was to lash out at these friends, in writing, by commenting on the photo. He said some pretty mean things to his friend because he was so hurt that he was left out. The mother regularly monitors her children’s social media activity (with easy to use apps such as DijiWise), and saw the exchange the next day. She sat down and talked with him about it, and helped him sort through his very real anger surrounding the first time he truly felt excluded. In this situation, he learned how to handle it better and how not to put unkind words on Instagram or other social media networks. At first, she had him remove the post, followed by a public apology to the friend online. She then had her son meet his friend face-to-face to talk about what happened. During that conversation he learned the situation of the photo, which in fact had taken place while he was out of town, so he wasn’t left out after all. Water now under the bridge -- an important learning moment.

Use real-life, relatable examples of mistakes you or others have made, and what happened as a result. Share a personal story, or an example of someone he or she may know, even a celebrity or public figure. Add these real-life lessons into daily conversation so your child can see consequences of making mistakes, especially ones that include online activity or social media. By doing so, your child will understand they’re not being singled out, and that just because it happens elsewhere, doesn’t mean it’s okay. This will also help your teenager continue to mature into an adult who is respectful of themselves and of others, responsible in their daily interactions, and who practices online safety and digital responsibility.

Just remember, we’re not failing as parents when our kids make mistakes. It’s human and we make them, too. Most of us didn’t grow up with social media (or the Internet for that matter), so it is difficult to truly understand what kids go through today. Finding a good balance between helicopter and free-range parenting when dealing with our kids’ daily lives and social media usage will empower them with the knowledge and ability to make good choices and hopefully avoid “the talk” next time.